Him

Some writing that I've done. Feedback appreciated. Please make it constructive criticism.


And there you are! The sight of which causes my heart to pitter-patter without a care. All else matters not, as my breathe becomes shallow. My hearing deafens in the thrumming  my heart makes in my chest from the excitement. The very anticipation causes me to go into a cold sweat, and yet I fell like the room is too hot, stuffy in fact. My brain is a buzz as I try not to stare in your direction. Do I approach you? Do I dare? What if you reject me? What if I don't interest you? What if I'm not your type? What if...Why must I torture myself? Is there a point to this inane train of thought? The musings of my mind seem to be my worst enemy!

Oh no! You looked up!! Did you see me staring? Did you see me as I turned my head away feigning innocence? Or did you feel my piercing gaze upon you? My look of desire so clearly plastered all over my face, as the rest of the world closes off to me. I mustn't be too obvious. Nobody wants a desperate soul. And yet I feel mine clearly fighting to be with you. Never mind the effort for self control that is taking all my strength to exert on myself.

Yikes! There you go again! Do you hear my heart beating a tattoo in my chest? Do you hear it stop as you raise your head? Or maybe you hear sudden intake of breath, as I gasp at the beauty that is you. If such beauty could kill I'd have been 10 feet under as soon as you walked through that door.

How I long to look in your eyes and read what you soul has to say. I'm sure words can not express the wonders you could reveal to me. Or to envelope myself in your arms. To find that comfort of feeling secure. Where nothing in this world could touch me. To cuddle on the couch and whisper sweet nothings to each other for hours on end. The things I would do for you, if only I could find the confidence to only but speak to you. The things I would do for you in exchange for the unending love that you would give me. the emotional toil to just convince myself  I'm good enough to be in your presence is getting to be too much. Should I split and run away or do I ignore my fleeting stomach and approach?

What I would give to have the gall to boldly stand before you and offer myself to you! At the very least would we be able to be friends? Love and companionship would be my ultimate desire. Yes companionship is what I seek!! The desire to be loved, to love, to have that unconditional support no matter the event in life. To bed you would be great, but to know that I'll get to wake up to your warmth beside me...to watch you prepare for bed...to behold your masculine beauty as you move around following your routine before bed. To sit in wonder as I humbly send up a prayer of thanks.

Oh My!! I shouldn't get ahead of myself! I don't even know if you play my way. Would we even have the same interests? Would I be able to hold your attention long enough? What are your interests? Would I even like the same things? (I mean I'll totally give you my total interest, but would I really be interested?) Or are we opposites? Could we even stand to be in each others' presence? Maybe we're really just not compatible...but I really hope we are.

Love at first sight? Yah...I know it's been argued and ridiculed up and down, but the way your beauty takes my breathe away can not be equaled. Oh, I've had my fair share of crushes, and many of those didn't work out to be anything more then a "Hi!" But to completely fall head over heels? Yes the feeling is very familiar, but what if you're the one? What if you're the one that I've been waiting for? What if everything I've experienced thus far were just to prepare  me for you? What if the few very few I've dated before were only to help me see you? What if those were all just trainings so that I could be better prepared to be my best for you? What if...What if...what if...? The journey that I have to travel is great, but your perfection hinders my forward motion. Why do I have to be so shy around the gorgeous? I know I'm insecure, but what does that mean for me? The turmoil in my own head is too great. Maybe I should just sit and cry.

Not that crying will change anything. But maybe that's what I need to get over myself. Who knows maybe that's exactly what's wrong with me. I'm so filled with pent up emotion and frustration, that I present as an undesirable option. Is that part of my problem? I've been told  that I'm cute, but I normally have no one interested. Much as I'm interested in others I can't seem to receive the attention I want.

*sigh*

I really could sit and stare at you all day! I don't think I could ever tire of the majestic beauty that you are. Yourself being such a distraction I have already lost an hour of time I should have used for work. Instead I sit here staring in your direction, all sense of time lost. And even though I'll have to work on it harder and later, I'm still going to continue watching you from a distance. I'm sure others would tell me to just go and talk to you already.

But none of them are me. So they aren't battling the same wars, and wouldn't even understand if they tried. Frustrating as it may seem I was alone in this battle and searching for an opening to find weakness.

Where I'd rather be right now.

So I'm sitting here at very well know Seattle Coffee joint right now listening the sweet serenading of friends. Songs that either they made themselves, or musical theater songs. I'm enjoying greatly!! But deep in my soul I know that my heart is elsewhere! As much as I can step away from life here and there, I still have to come back to the real world, and I'm not so sure I want to be here right now. My thoughts are scattered, and it's slightly hard to ignore that things are going over my head, people aren't stopping to explain. That's fine if you want to have a conversation all to yourselves! But really why don't you do that when I'm not here. Maybe I'm just TMSing, but flip!!! I hate to be left out and when it's continual it hurts. I know it's not intentional in the pain, but it still hurts anyways. I'm here where I am because I want to enjoy, but if you're going to sit next to me and not include me in the conversation that is RUDE!!! I love you people greatly!! In fact you've changed my life more then I thought possible!!! AAAhhhhh!

Less of Me?

Less of me? What could that possibly mean? Well since Christmas I've been working incredibly hard to lose weight. And lose I have! When I first started someone even had the audacity to say, "Good, you're getting a bit fat!" At one point I thought I should do it to prove them wrong, but I knew I had to do it for me and no one else. In fact I've now lost 20 pounds worth. And I'm not giving up yet! Yes I've lost a fair amount, but my new goal is to reach the point where I regain my natural energy back. I'm not looking to be extra skinny or anything like that, but I want to be at a natural place where I won't have to worry about the problems that happen in my family. Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, and High Sodium, are among the number of issues that seem to have plagued my relatives. This is me taking a stand! I don't want to be caught in this at all! I want to take control of my life and make a difference.

A thought, glimmer of a dream, a childhood fantasy? Scratch it all!

Ok so I had all but given up hope to one day sing and perform. Maybe even become famous! I know that odds...I even know the hopelessly large amounts of fails, but can you help the fact that a person has a dream? So today I was just playing music...okay fine I was singing along. But still I'm in an office on the bottom floor of a building, on a day when no one should be there at all. Except for maybe one of the custodians right? So I'm just chillin' listening Singing along to "Hey Soul Sister" (mind you I haven't had training for years) and in walks one of our interns that work directly with music. I mean the guy was hired for the direct reason of leading others in singing and playing music! He walks halfway past the door way and giggles. And what does he say? "Sorry I just had to see if it was for real?" Then giggles and walks out. I mean come on, how embarrassing!! Was I so horrible that he had to laugh at me? And what's with that? You just had to come by to laugh? Oi!!! Why do people do such things? Maybe they don't know the way they come off, but come on!!!! *sigh* Enough ranting....maybe if you had done something nice like offer lessons so something instead. And here I thought you were a nice person. I would have liked to have been friends. Everyone else seems to enjoy being in your presence...

Christmas Afternoon!!!!

 Sitting around enjoying each others' company

 Errol, Peter, and I on top of a sand dune in the sunset

 The Family!!

 Da Boys!

 Da Boys and the wifey

 Mom and Dad!!

 Silly Pose!!!

And I still got it!!! I'm full on doing a toe-touch with pointed toes!!! This was taken on Encinitas Beach on Christmas day!!! I'm glad I haven't lost the skills!

Ok so I totally am uploading a ton of pics, but I can't help it right now!!! I'm kinda sad that I have to head back to Seattle tomorrow.... Oi!! Oh well!! At least I had this trip!!

Christmas morning!!!

Completely enjoying a wonderful Christmas morning with the Cleary's and really appreciating the wonderful sun that we have been having today. My only regret is not having more time to spend here.

Last night I was able to chat with a friend that I haven't seen in a few years. He happened to move out here to the Oceanside area a few months ago, and is still looking for a good location to move to in San Diego proper where he works. We hung out and had a great conversation that was really encouraging for me, and helped me process. (Why can't I be comfortable in my own skin like he is? *sigh*) I'll get there with time, I just need to stop being so afraid to live into who I am.

 Bird of Paradise

 Just outside the Cleary's abode

 I thought they were gorgeous

 Before we started

 And here we go

 Our gift tag interpreter

 All sending a text to a Cleary Cousin at the same time.

More texting

 Silly Errol

 Errol using his new light saber chopsticks

On another note, this morning was so much fun!! We got to sit around and pass presents out and enjoy each others reactions to what we received. It was so much fun!

Finally Christmas break!!!!

Oi!!! It's been a while!!! Life has taken quite a crazy track! Many things have been happening and I'm just tired. For sure S.A.D.'s has a great deal to do with my tiredness. I'm completely drained of energy and have a general lethargic state of mind. And being easily distracted doesn't help all either. I try to get things done, and all of the sudden my head is drooping over the keyboard, or find myself surfing the web. I don't either of those things to happen, but it's kinda hard when I don't even realize it's happening. It's kinda like a state of detachment. Not really the best, when you've got a lot to do.


But alas!!! I'm now with Errol and family in California!!! I've needed this so much. As I type to you all I'm sitting on the front porch in the sunlight trying to soak in the rays as well. It's high 60's low 70's and I'm loving it!!! I'm trying to throw this foggy headededness but the sun is helpinf immensely!!

 The fire in the pit

 Yeah Christmas tree!!

 Just chilllin', making smores

 Dad was surprised with the fire pit.

 Glorious fire in the pit that the boys just bought.

Chocolate on the face from some yummy smores.